The Captain needs some Help
by justadream1990
Summary: Captain America decides to hang out with his friend Tony one day. But he meets someone there that's not necessarily the friendliest. This is a oneshoot a friend requested after we saw a picture online of the two.


It was a cool crisp day out in the city. There was a slight breeze pushing past all the people as they hustled off to work or lunch. Coffee cups in almost all the business types hands, and regular cups in all the homeless guy's hands. Everyone seemed to continuously move past without so much as a glance to any other person. They were all so focused on themselves and what they needed to do. They didn't even notice the man that passed by all of them dressed in blue spandex with a giant white star in the center and a giant red, what seemed like a frisbee, but was actually a shield in his right hand.

'_God I hate not having the ability to fly. This is so degrading._'

Captain America continued walking past everyone just looking at them with their cell phones, tablets, iPods, etc. in their hands. He gave every last one of them a confused look.

'_Whatever happened to saying hi to someone on the street. Or talking with someone face to face? I'll never understand this new technology gadgetry.'_

He continued walking straight for a long time and eventually ended up in the center of an area desolate of technology where he could be alone with his thoughts, and with pigeons, and bums, and sexy running girls... He walked over to a bench and sat down.

'_This lifestyle has become boring and tedious. I feel like I'm just living as a shell of myself. Day in day out all I do is fight for American freedom and that's it. Yea I understand that is what I basically represent but life is more about freedom. It's actually about enjoying that freedom, and I haven't enjoyed my freedom in forever.'_

Captain America put his head in his hands and let out an exasperated sigh. He lifted his head back up and looked towards the sky. He saw a giant tower reaching up towards it. It almost seemed as if it was shaking hands with the clouds surrounding it. There were giant letters on the top that read STARK.

'_Well the city doesn't seem to be in peril right now. I guess I can go celebrate my freedom while hanging out with Tony._'

Captain America stood up and started walking off towards the tower. Still getting some strange looks from everyone as he passed them along the way.

'_Maybe while I'm here I'll ask him to develop me a jetpack so I can fly...'_

He finally made it to the tower and entered the lobby. He walked on through the lobby and went over to the elevator. He stepped inside and pushed the button for floor 62. The elevator started to ascend and Captain America leaned back and enjoyed the muzak on his way up. The elevator dinged and opened up the doors revealing a small hallway with a door at the end. There was a welcome mat placed on the ground.

Captain America stepped up to the door and knocked on it. It soon opened and there was a rather plump hispanic lady on the other side of the door. She wore this very pink dress with a pink apron over it. Her stockings seemed very old as they looked worn and stretched out. In addition they held very thick calves that seemed to shove cankles into the therapeutic black shoes she was wearing. She had on yellow latex rubber gloves, and if this entire outfit wasn't enough to make you slowly back away in fear her face alone was quite ghastly. There were wrinkles everywhere that not even duct tape could save that face. Her glasses drooped to the end of her nose and those too seemed like they would fall off with the rest of her face. Her hair was black and extremely wavy but you could tell it was dyed as there were several gray roots on her head.

"M'yesss..." She spoke.

"Uh, oh. Hi is um, Tony in?"

"No... No... Misser Ironman no here."

"No, I'm not asking for Ironman. I want Tony, Tony Stark? The guy who _is_ Ironman?"

"No... Misser, Misser Ironman is no home. You, you leave now."

"I uh, ok. Do you know where he went?"

"I close the door now, you leave."

As the lady was closing the door there was loud voice heard from behind her.

"Hey Rodgers! How's it going?"

Tony had walked by with nothing but a simple grey T-shirt and sweat pants on. Captain America looked up at the guy and proceeded to push past the lady.

"Uh, hi. Um, Tony who is this?"

"Oh that's Consuela, she's the new help that I hired to help around. Seeing as everyone decides to mess up my pad. Consuela, Captain America, Captain America, Consuela."

"Don't you use J.A.R.V.I.S. To help you around the house?"

"No, I use him with my suit. Consuela is my house maid."

Consuela proceeded to step between the two and interrupt the conversation. "Misser Tony you are out of Lemon Pledge."

"I have a better composite that cleans and smells a lot better than that. Just use the Stark Spray in the back."

"No, no, I clean with lemon pledge."

"What are you their spokeswoman or something?"

"I go to store and get lemon pledge. You give me money now." Consuela held her hand out expecting something to be placed in it.

"You know what Consuela, you don't need to do the floors now, can you just go do something else?"

"Ok, but we need Lemon Pledge."

Consuela began to walk away.

"You know she's pretty slow sometimes but damn can she clean!"

"Um, Tony...? Is she even legal?"

"What difference does it make? She cleans, I pay her. End of story! Now then what did you want?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out today seeing as we both finally have some free time."

Tony brought his hand up to his chin and started rubbing his beard. "You know, there is a new bar that just opened up around the corner that I haven't been banned from yet. So sure! Let's go there. I just need to change first and you..." Tony looked up at down at the soldier in spandex. "You Starlett Johanson just need everything." Tony turned around and started walking away in laughter. "Go ahead and wait in the lounge, I'll be a little bit and I'll see if I can find you some clothes too!"

"Oh, ok." Captain America proceeded to walk in the opposite direction and up a set of spiral stairs into his lounge. He sat down on a giant modern comfy sofa and patted his hands on his knees. He noticed a coffee table set in front of him with a few magazines on top. He picked one up and started reading it. It was something about the latest and greatest thing to come to technology. He rolled his eyes but continued reading it.

'_I might not like it but I might as well learn about it_.'

Just then Consuela returned. She started spraying Windex on the glass windows around the lounge and wiped it down. She barely got halfway done with one window before she walked over to a giant stereo system and turned on the radio.

"MUCHOS CORDOS! *trumpet fanfare* MUCHOS CORDOS!"

"Um, Consuela. Can you turn that off? I'm trying to read in silence? I really have a headache."

"No... No. I clean now. Music on."

"AY YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI!"

"Seriously Consuela, please could you?"

"No, I need music help me clean. You need tight clothes, help you get the men. I need music help me clean."

Captain America threw down his magazine all flustered. "I'M STRAIGHT! And this suit is for fighting crime!"

"CALIENTE MUCHACHAS CLAIENTE MUCHACHOS!"

"No no. I clean, no fight."

At this point Captain America started to twitch as if he was having a seizure from the music.

"AY YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI!"

"CONSUELA I'LL GIVE YOU 20$ IF YOU CLEAN IN SILENCE!"

Consuela held her hand out. Captain America shoved his hand into his pants and threw a 20$ at her.

"Gracias senor, I do windows later." With that Consuela turned off the radio and left the room.

_'Ahh, finally some peace and quiet. I hope Tony isn't much longer. I really don't appreciate her_.'

He stood up and walked over to the bar to get himself a drink. He poured just a coke seeing as Tony had a lot of it and it didn't seem like he'd miss any of it.

'_Besides, he'd probably be happier. More rum to his coke ratio.'_

Captain America chuckled at his joke in his head only to stop when seeing Consuela come back to the room with a giant industrial sized vacuum cleaner. How did Captain America know it was an industrial vacuum cleaner? Primarily because he couldn't hear anything once Consuela turned it on.

"REALLY CONSUELA?! REALLY?! DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS NOW?!"

"Si... Si. Misser Tony likes the lounge clean every night."

Still holding his hands to his ears trying to block out some of the noise, "CAN'T YOU JUST WAIT A DAY?! IT'S NOT LIKE HE WON'T PAY YOU!"

"No... No. I need the money. Mi hermano is in jail. He need bail money."

"HOW MUCH?!"

"About 2 g."

"2 G!?" Saying that caused Captain America's arms to fly from his ears accidentally knocking over the glass that had coke in it down onto the floor. Consuela's eyes grew big and she glared at Captain America.

"AHH! AFUERA! AFUERA!"

"Wha-ow!" Consuela ran over and grabbed Captain America by his ear.

"You go out now!"

"But Tony and I"

"Misser Tony no here. He no want to hang with you. You afuera ahora! AHORA!" 

With that Consuela threw Captain America out the front door and slammed and locked the door behind her. Captain America stood there dumbfounded as he stared at the door.

'_Screw it I'm going to drink alone. After that I need more rum to my coke...'_


End file.
